Testing, Testing, 1-2-3

I have been blogging since March 2005, which means this is my 10th year- that is wild.  I have not been a daily or regular blogger, but I have tried to document the "big" events in my/our life and I always love looking back to see old pics, read old stories and documentary from our daily life.

But needless to say, a lot has happened in the past 10 years, especially the last 7 years.

I am an extremely different person than I was 10 years ago when I started blogging.

In 2005 Travis and I had been married for five years, we were both working full-time and lived in a tiny little rental house in Chevy Chase, D.C.  We were part of an incredible small group from our church made up of young professionals, couples and families (who felt more like family to us), we had time and energy to serve in our community...we even had time to go for five hour walks down to Georgetown, walk along the Potomac River, eat on M street, and then walk home on random Saturday afternoons.

In early 2007 we found out that we were pregnant with our first child and although we were nervous about being first-time parents, I was particularly thrilled that a life-long dream was coming true.

I was going to be a mother.

I had played with dolls until I was twelve years old.  I had a real-life baby doll born when my baby brother, Bobby, was born when I was in sixth grade.  Bobby became me and my friends' little mascot and I felt in many ways that I helped raise him.

I have always loved children.  I spent most of my teen years babysitting sweet kids from our church and enjoyed mission trips that involved serving kids.  Their smiles, questions, giggles, innocence, and funny little personalities have always fascinated me.

I have always loved children.

If you know anything about our family, you know that after a relatively "perfect" pregnancy, Bennett was born pretty darn close to being still-born and then fought to live in the NICU for 70 days.  He was the sickest baby at the Georgetown NICU for weeks- we were by his side every day, with most days full of fear, shock, hope, tears, grief, prayer, and indescribable love and support shown to us by our families, friends, colleagues, doctors, nurses, and complete strangers.

The entrance into parenthood basically felt like getting thrown into the deep end of the pool blind-folded with 10 pound weights and told to keep treading water...indefinitely.

Twenty days after he was born, a team of doctors and fellows shared with us that Bennett was not going to live.  The thoughts of planning a funeral for my baby consumed my thoughts.  I remember thinking what songs I could bear to listen to at my newborn baby's funeral.  I remember thinking about certain faces I hoped would be there, while hoping that some faces did not come to his funeral- I frankly did not have the energy to invite them into my grief.

But then a lot of people across the country (and the world) prayed hard the night the doctors gave their grave prognosis for our baby boy.  Travis and I fell into each others' arms and onto our knees.  

And we rested in the truth that Bennett was God's child, not ours.

By God's grace alone, Bennett lived that night.  The doctors said there was no medical explanation.

  After ten weeks in the Georgetown NICU Bennett got to come home.  Due to his significant brain damage and cerebral palsy diagnosis, he screamed a LOT those first six months. If we shut the freezer door too hard, he cried.  Every night he screamed for 4-5 hours straight before finally crashing to sleep.  He had seven medicines all given at different times throughout the day, he was fed via an ng tube down his nose/throat, and we had a sweet African nun nurse visit us randomly to help put the ng tube back in (after falling out, which it routinely did) and walk him while he screamed his head off (to give us a break).  Other than those brief nurse visits and family help when we let them, we were on our own as our little family of three.

 We did our best to care for Bennett, but one night in particular I remember lying in bed holding tight to Travis, crying, not knowing if I had the energy for the next day.  I was basically afraid of my newborn and his over-whelming needs, while wrestling with the shock and grief over his traumatic birth.  It was like we were stuck in a nightmare with no end in sight.  

But I will never forget the two words that came to me while lying in that bed with a tear stained face and pillow.  I grasped onto these two words for dear life as if they were the only oxygen available to get me out of the pool that was sucking me in quickly as my legs grew tired from treading.  DIG DEEP.

And so those two words pretty much sum up a lot of the past seven years.  Dig Deep.

This blog is not going to be a lot of reflecting on the past- I am an optimist and I see bright skies ahead. We have had more than enough bumps, curves, body-slams, you name it, throughout the course of our marriage and especially these past seven years.  In those moments we have had to dig deep in ways that we could have never, ever imagined.

A child who cannot breathe on his own.
Days of deep grief, anxiety and depression.
An ultra-sound that shows a significant birth defect.
Family deaths.
Disappointing job situations.
Potty training a strong willed child.
Drama.

  And some of those life experiences will probably be referred to along the way; but this blog is going to be more about what I have learned and what I see as the TRUTHS that are now written on my heart and woven into my soul...they need to be shared.

It may not always be pretty.  For all you Pinterest-loving-perfectionists, this blog will definitely will not be perfect.  The title of my blog is what it is because:

D.C. - I grew up in a Virginia suburb of Washington D.C.  My dad worked for the federal government his whole career; I even interned for a prominent senator throughout college.  But I wanted something different out of life--> so I did a 180 and headed west to the Lone Star State.  I transferred from the University of Virginia to Abilene Christian University for my own personal "westward movement;" a need to explore what a smaller private christian university had to offer.  There I got a great education, met lifelong friends and then married a special boy from Tennessee.  As newlyweds we settled in Raleigh, N.C. as it was relatively half-way between both sets of parents.  But then the Tennessee boy got into graduate school in D.C. and that was his top choice, so we returned.  Bennett was born a few years later, but when he was almost two we felt the urge to move to Nashville to have a slower pace of life, enjoy the beautiful scenery, and hopefully settle in, establish roots and raise our family there.  But God had different plans.  After a few years in Nashville it became crystal clear that we needed to move back to D.C.  Travis got a job offer that he could not refuse and we found a place to live in a crazy short period of time.  As much as we had decided we were done with D.C., God made it clear that HE was not done with us here.  

Domestic Disasters - I am the only person who consistently burns whole meals in my crock pot.  There, I said it.  My crock pot is not my best friend (like so many other moms out there on the Internet). Clearly I own that cooking is not one of my "gifts"...so as a result Travis has been served raw chicken on more than one occasion (I honestly didn't even realize it until several bites in).  To be fully honest I really prefer pizza, take-out, or even fast food most nights...but I am doing my best to work on my domestic disasters and turn them into fruitful adventures!  I have no green thumbs on either hand, I have unintentionally killed all house plants that I have tried to grow, and I cannot stand to unload the dishwasher, put laundry away, iron or dust.  I will gladly fold laundry until the cows come home and I really don't mind loading the dishwasher, but there are certain household tasks that I literally have to give myself a pep talk to do it.  Ridiculous, but true.  I have flooded our laundry room three times in the two years we have lived in our current home and I feel certain there are more adventures to come...

Disabilities - Bennett has a diagnosis of cerebral palsy, seizure disorders, he cannot sit/stand/walk/talk or eat independently.  He is 100% dependent on us for all daily functions.  And he is our Angel Boy.  Bennett's disabilities have saved HIS PARENTS from a life in chains of perfectionism.  His "weaknesses" or disabilities in the eyes of the world are what have given us true, life-changing perspective for what matters in life.  For that I am eternally grateful.

Divine Delights - Bennett Mitchell born August 20, 2007, Jackson Stafford born November 2, 2010, Reagan Jean born August 15, 2012.  They are the most beautiful and most humbling gifts we have ever been given.  They teach us more than we could ever teach them.  We hold on for dear life as we ride the roller-coaster of life with these three little people and pray for God's grace, wisdom, understanding and strength along the way!